Skip to main content

Best-laid Plans

Our biggest fear during this pregnancy was that we would leave town and that I would go into labor, delivering Gabriel without our team of doctors.

We didn't leave the city for 3 months.

We left for a day trip 2 hours away last Saturday, and ended up needing to go to the ER.

Gabriel was born out of town. 10 weeks early. Without our team.

When we were making our plans for his birth just a few weeks ago, our palliative care nurse asked, "Have you imagined what his birth day will be like?"

No. I haven't pictured it. I respond. Because I know that no matter what I imagine, it will be even better than that. I don't want to ruin his birth with what I think would make it perfect. I just want to be as prepared as possible.

 Well...

His birth was exactly the opposite of what we'd planned.

But it was 10,000 times more perfect than what I'd imagined.

I cannot wait to share his life with you all. Today we are home, resting.

I left my house 8 days ago 30 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We left dishes in the sink because we were coming home that night.

I came home today with an urn and an incision. 

I came home with an ache that cannot be fixed.

I came home and set my son on a shelf.

Next to his brother.

 This is not how it should be. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha
2 comments
Read more

We Look Like Four

6 years ago I celebrated Mother's Day with no baby in my arms. Sam had died 2 weeks before. The year after that, I was pregnant with Mira and still had no baby to hold. The year after, Mira gave me the gift of the stomach flu. ;) The last few years have been fairly "normal" with the exception that one of my children was not there. And this year, I will celebrate with half of my children. There is nothing easy about this. One thing I grieve is I will never have all of my children in one picture. I asked the photographer to take one with Mira and Edward when they came to visit us at the hospital. I'd said, I don't care if it's crazy or no one is looking. I just want one with us as a family of 5. That's what we have. One picture of the 5 of us. One. We're a family of six, but out and about we look like four. We don't look like our hands are full with just the two. We don't know what it's like to juggle a baby carrier while chasing do
1 comment
Read more

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys.  He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can  say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that  thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel
1 comment
Read more