Kaila Mugford

All of a sudden today I got this overwhelming feeling that I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't read one single parenting book...not one. I didn't read them while pregnant with Mira partially because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I know many new parents pour over new parenting books, baby's first year, what to expect, etc. They compare the milestones their babies hit with those described in the books. I'm really not sure what Mira should be doing yet at 2 months old. She smiles, coos, follows us around the house with her eyes. She sleeps all night long, and eats heartily. My intuition tells me everything's fine, that the decisions we've made for her are right. But today is just different. I feel like I should pick up some parenting books...maybe Mira is not as happy as she should be? Sometimes when she fusses people just look at me like something is wrong with her. And it makes me worry if there is. Mira gets her vaccinations on Wedn...

It's almost 2am....and I'm up. Pretty normal for new parents, but it hasn't been our norm for over 2 weeks now. Mira goes to bed before midnight and gets up around 8am. I know. Be jealous. But we're in the hospital, and will be for at least 48 hours as we wait for blood, urine, and CSF cultures come back on Mira. This makes for our third time in 8 weeks Mira has been hospitalized. Ok. Now don't be jealous. She spiked a fever today, and has been pretty lethargic. I decided to call the pediatrician hoping they'd just say "give her x dose of tylenol and call us back," but no such luck. I got an, "you have an appointment at 3:45." So we went in. And then got an, "She has a fever of 101.6. That's pretty serious for a baby her age, and we cannot see an obvious reason why she'd have a fever (no ear infection, throat is clear, and no vomiting). We're going to have to admit her." I actually said, "Are you serious?!...

So...I did it. I let go of my worries, my fears, my pride. ...and quit my job. 0_o The last time I asked for prayers, Jamey and I were in the midst of making this decision. We weren't sure how things would work out (and still don't know what God has in store for us), but we are now confident that this is the right decision for our family. But I had to let go bit by bit. I've been working since I was 15 years old, and the only reason I've ever quit a job before is I was moving to or from college (or in one case I had a boss that made me cry every day for almost 3 months). This was my first big girl job, one that I truly enjoyed. And thankfully when I went in to give my notice, my boss made it easy to say goodbye. He told me that I would be missed but he completely understood my desire to want to be home. He said that after everything we've been through that he was happy for me, and that if I ever do decide to get back into the field, he would be more than...

I am reminded every time I look at her beautiful face, just how precious life really is. Losing one too soon, I fear the loss of another. My heart whispers prayers to never feel that pain again. Time travels and I feel myself standing still, soaking in the moments I have with this little one. I pray for a lifetime of memories, for me to grow old, for me to be the one to say goodbye next time. I pray for her future, her happiness, her relationship with God. My worries and fears for what the future might hold, subside when I remember how He loves her more than I ever could. I have prayed "let Your will be done" in the face of death, and it was. With our loss we grew stronger in Him, and have been blessed again.  Giving You all the praise, thank you, Oh Lord.

How do 10 days go by so quickly? I swear I just posted a couple of days ago... It was pretty easy losing track of the time while spending a week with my family. Sigh . I miss them. And I'm really at a blank right now as to what to post. Jamey and I are really having to make some big decisions, but I'm just not ready to talk about them publicly yet...soon though! Mira slept for 7 hours straight last night. I actually woke up afraid that I had missed something or hadn't heard her because she had slept for so long. And she went down like a dream tonight...please Lord don't let this be a rarity ;-) I'm sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but can I just reiterate how incredibly blessed we are? We have baby items coming out our ears at this point that have been just handed to us by our family and friends, we have good jobs, great insurance, cars that run, and we have a wonderful relationship that has weathered through the worst. We are tired, things...

Mira already has us on our toes...and she's not even mobile yet! We have had yet another hospital stay. I'd rather not continue this trend, and neither would the doctors. Don't worry, it was nothing incredibly serious this time, just a panicky doctor in the ER who decided to admit us without knowing anything of our history. Let's start from the beginning. Mira has been extra fussy for the last week or so I would say. I was thinking she's just a fussy baby. She feeds all the time, has plenty of wet diapers, and she was sleeping soundly for several hours at a time during the night. However, several people mentioned that she was still looking really small and skinny. I bounced back and forth between thinking she was just fine and worrying if there was something I should be taking her in for. I DO NOT by any means want to be running this baby up to the pediatrician for every teeny tiny little thing. Just because we lost Sam does not mean I want to be a crazy he...

I try not to worry too much...I try. I did everything "perfect" with Sam. When I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking pop, I started eating better, I stayed away from medications and chemicals...and at 20 weeks pregnant, we found out that doing everything perfect did us no good. Sam was sick, and there was nothing we could have done or could do to help him. So I try not to worry...because even if I do absolutely everything to the book, there are no guarantees. But raising a baby has brought worry to a whole new level. She's here, alive and breathing, and yet I worry about every decision I make for her. I feel like I'm a pong ball being volleyed back and forth between different schools of parenting. Being pushed between the shoulds and shouldn'ts of parenthood. And so many parents feel like their way is the only way. If you don't do it their way, you've ruined your child forever. I don't have this strong a feeling about my way of d...