All of a sudden today I got this overwhelming feeling that I don't know what I'm doing.
I haven't read one single parenting book...not one. I didn't read them while pregnant with Mira partially because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
I know many new parents pour over new parenting books, baby's first year, what to expect, etc. They compare the milestones their babies hit with those described in the books.
I'm really not sure what Mira should be doing yet at 2 months old. She smiles, coos, follows us around the house with her eyes. She sleeps all night long, and eats heartily. My intuition tells me everything's fine, that the decisions we've made for her are right.
But today is just different. I feel like I should pick up some parenting books...maybe Mira is not as happy as she should be? Sometimes when she fusses people just look at me like something is wrong with her. And it makes me worry if there is.
Mira gets her vaccinations on Wednesday. And although I've always had a strong feeling about vaccinating my children (I'm for it), discussions with good friends have made me think twice. Being in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months for various reasons have made me question my decisions as a parent. I've let doctors tell me her liver was failing and she needed poked and prodded (when she didn't). I've let them tell me she might have meningitis and needed to be put on antibiotics right away (which it turned out she didn't need and only gave her diarrhea).
I'm the one responsible for making these decisions...and I know it's just a part of being a parent, but I do not want to ruin her forever.
I decided not to try harder when it came to breastfeeding. I was given the names of supplements I could take, and even given a prescription for my own breast pump. As much as I love breastfeeding and as good as I know it is for Mira, I just decided not to anymore. I'm tired. I could have done it, but I stopped.
I have a lot of guilt going on right now, and I'm at a crossroads with this vaccination thing. I would not consider her not getting them, it's just a matter of timing. Do I hold off until she's a little bit bigger? When her liver is more developed and blood brain barrier intact? Or do I do what trained medical professionals tell me what is best...do I do what was done to me as an infant?
I turned out just fine. My mom didn't take us in to the hospital for low fevers...didn't worry if not breastfeeding was going to be bad for us. She did what she thought was best for us.
But there is so much information out there these days. Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate. Co-sleep. Teach independence. Disposable diapers. Cloth diapers. So much pressure on parents. From other parents!
It's funny because everyone feels that their way is THE WAY. And I think maybe I'm just too easy going. I'll listen to everyone and then make my decision. I don't research it, I try not to think too hard...I just do it. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Today it feels wrong. I don't know why.
Right now I happen to be reading my first parenting book called Spirit Led Parenting by Megan Tietz. It is really good. I may not be doing everything "right" but God gave me Mira. He knew that I would know what's best for her. I just need to focus more on what He wants for us instead of what this world says is right. I need to spend more time in prayer than in worry.
In fact, I'm going to try that. It's been mentioned before at our church, but I've never put it into practice. Every time I worry about a decision we're making for Mira, I'm going to pray about it. God will whisper his answers to me, and I pray that my ears are open enough to hear Him.
I guess I just needed to get that out. I have let guilt, worry, and fear consume me for today. I will not let it take over another day. I will trust in the perfect Father to teach me to be the best mother I possibly can.
I haven't read one single parenting book...not one. I didn't read them while pregnant with Mira partially because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
I know many new parents pour over new parenting books, baby's first year, what to expect, etc. They compare the milestones their babies hit with those described in the books.
I'm really not sure what Mira should be doing yet at 2 months old. She smiles, coos, follows us around the house with her eyes. She sleeps all night long, and eats heartily. My intuition tells me everything's fine, that the decisions we've made for her are right.
But today is just different. I feel like I should pick up some parenting books...maybe Mira is not as happy as she should be? Sometimes when she fusses people just look at me like something is wrong with her. And it makes me worry if there is.
Mira gets her vaccinations on Wednesday. And although I've always had a strong feeling about vaccinating my children (I'm for it), discussions with good friends have made me think twice. Being in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months for various reasons have made me question my decisions as a parent. I've let doctors tell me her liver was failing and she needed poked and prodded (when she didn't). I've let them tell me she might have meningitis and needed to be put on antibiotics right away (which it turned out she didn't need and only gave her diarrhea).
I'm the one responsible for making these decisions...and I know it's just a part of being a parent, but I do not want to ruin her forever.
I decided not to try harder when it came to breastfeeding. I was given the names of supplements I could take, and even given a prescription for my own breast pump. As much as I love breastfeeding and as good as I know it is for Mira, I just decided not to anymore. I'm tired. I could have done it, but I stopped.
I have a lot of guilt going on right now, and I'm at a crossroads with this vaccination thing. I would not consider her not getting them, it's just a matter of timing. Do I hold off until she's a little bit bigger? When her liver is more developed and blood brain barrier intact? Or do I do what trained medical professionals tell me what is best...do I do what was done to me as an infant?
I turned out just fine. My mom didn't take us in to the hospital for low fevers...didn't worry if not breastfeeding was going to be bad for us. She did what she thought was best for us.
But there is so much information out there these days. Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate. Co-sleep. Teach independence. Disposable diapers. Cloth diapers. So much pressure on parents. From other parents!
It's funny because everyone feels that their way is THE WAY. And I think maybe I'm just too easy going. I'll listen to everyone and then make my decision. I don't research it, I try not to think too hard...I just do it. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Today it feels wrong. I don't know why.
Right now I happen to be reading my first parenting book called Spirit Led Parenting by Megan Tietz. It is really good. I may not be doing everything "right" but God gave me Mira. He knew that I would know what's best for her. I just need to focus more on what He wants for us instead of what this world says is right. I need to spend more time in prayer than in worry.
In fact, I'm going to try that. It's been mentioned before at our church, but I've never put it into practice. Every time I worry about a decision we're making for Mira, I'm going to pray about it. God will whisper his answers to me, and I pray that my ears are open enough to hear Him.
I guess I just needed to get that out. I have let guilt, worry, and fear consume me for today. I will not let it take over another day. I will trust in the perfect Father to teach me to be the best mother I possibly can.
Oh Kaila, I've missed the last few posts but know how you feel right now. It's REALLY overwhelming to make these decisions. I struggle daily with Sam. His older sister has severe anxiety (she's 8), his other sister is almost 7 and autistic. He was very late to do anything and had been in therapy, and I was starting to panic that he was maybe going to develop autism.
ReplyDeleteGod and Mira chose you, and while you may doubt what you are doing He will guide you.
A friend of mine tells me...
"Let go, and let God"
Some days it works, some days it doesn't. But I'm telling you that every Mum feels this way. I worry about lunches, how my girls are being raised, is Sam a happy enough baby (and also should he be vaccinated!). My Mum points out that I survived without power covers and safety gates and latches and getting into goodness knows what.
Big hugs xx
If you ever need to chat my email is mason.kate@hotmail.com
-kateM
I just saw this comment Kate! Thank you so much for the encouragement. After my post I started to feel a bit better about the decisions we are making. I also survived all the 'dangers' of babyhood and my Mom reminds me the same :) I will send you an email sometime! Feel free to email me as well! kdavis1217@gmail.com
DeleteI don't know what you decided but what I did with Jay was had him get his shots when he was suppose to only spead out so instead of getting 3 in one day we spread it out over 2 weeks so there wasn't so much going into his system at once. Then right before his 12 month shots I freak out about him having them because of all these terrible articles I came across. At 18
ReplyDeletemonths he got the last ones. He is just fine, ornery as ever.;-) brittany columbia