Writing to Breathe

I feel like I can't even write right now, but my fingers hover over the keyboard and I just need something to come out of them.

I feel like I'm carrying a lead weight today.

No, nothing's happened lately. Nothing bad, nothing sad. I actually have lots of good, exciting, new things going on in my life. Some I've shared, some I haven't.

But I feel like I've been in a knock-down drag-out fight today. 

Most days I can push through these feelings. Gosh, I just don't know how you do it, I hear so often. And the truth is, I don't want to do it. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to stay under the blankets. Warm. Cozy. 

And forget.

I want to forget all the awful things of this world. I want to forget the loss, the pain, the struggles. I want to wrap my arms around Jamey, Mira, and Edward, and just hold them forever. 

Sometimes this pain is just too heavy. And I think, God, I'm only 30. I can't take much more of this. 

I've had a pain in my right side for the last few days. It feels the same as it did after Gabriel was born and my liver was swollen. I'm sure all is fine. I'm sure I probably pulled something during a workout.

But am I sure? 

The school called this morning while both kids were gone. Before I picked up the phone, I thought there must have been an accident and someone is dead. 

It was a pre-recorded announcement about a bus route.

Jamey didn't message me the entire day yesterday. Usually I hear from him around lunchtime, and then get an update later on what time he'll be home for dinner. When I didn't hear anything at either time, I thought he's had a heart attack and no one wants to tell me yet. 

His phone was acting strange and rebooted late in the day.

I've been having heart palpitations for 2 weeks. Randomly. Mornings, afternoons, evenings. Doesn't matter when, doesn't matter what I do. This has happened before when I was in college. I know that physically, I am fine. I exercise, I eat well, I have a therapist, I go to the doctor regularly, and I pay attention to my body.

This is just what trauma does.

Most days, it's manageable. Today, it's heavy. 

Today I feel it in every single bone.

Today I hurt.

Tomorrow, it will be different. I'll wake up, I'll read this, and I'll go, whew that was a pretty bad day. Thank goodness for new days. 

Tomorrow, I'll hold my babies and smile because we have another day together. Tomorrow the tightness in my chest won't feel quite so tight. I know that I can't always trust my feelings so I write truths down and I keep a gratitude journal. 

I use every tool I have to come back from these hard days.

I know posts like this aren't what anyone really wants to read. I know they make people uncomfortable. If I'm totally honest, I get uncomfortable sometimes too when people come at me with all their feelings. It's because I just don't know what to do. I want to fix the hurt and I know I can't. 

I feel like I've been given the gift of vulnerability. I feel safe in this space, with those who read my words. I am comforted when I read, I feel that way sometimes too. You are not alone. 

I write for not only myself, but for those who share my feelings and don't have the words. I write about the hard things not for pity, but for healing. 

I write to release the lead weight.

So I can breathe.