I've been quiet here lately, but that's a good thing right now. Life is moving much faster than I'd like it to, but that's just how life goes, right? Especially chasing after 2 littles.
We've had a good week and a half. I had my 6 week postpartum checkup last night, and my blood pressure is still high but other than that, I have healed well from surgery. I'll be following up with my primary about the blood pressure but my OB is hoping it's just the tail end of the postpartum period and will return to normal soon.
I had not seen my OB since Gabriel's diagnosis. She had a major heart attack just 3 weeks after we got our news, and this was the first time I had seen her since she returned. The first thing she did when she saw me was ask for a hug and apologized for missing my entire pregnancy. Gosh I'm so glad you're okay, I'd told her. I'm glad you are too, I'm so sorry about your son, she replied.
She sat and looked at several pictures I have on my phone. Oh my goodness that nose! She thanked me for sharing him with her. It's the first time I've shown his pictures on my phone in a few weeks and it felt good.
I've entered a stage of grief that I'm not unfamiliar with, but I don't like it. I'm in disbelief that Gabriel just died 46 days ago. What is this...denial? Life has returned to "normal." I finally have energy and feel good enough to be playing with the kids, keeping regular appointments, meal planning, cleaning...
Like nothing happened.
I don't feel guilty for this, just sad. It's sad to not be so sad. Grief is awesome. Ugh.
So just a quick couple updates that I'll add to later:
*We got Gabriel's autopsy. I hit a very serious emotional low after receiving this report, and it caused me to question all the decisions we had made for him (and also for Sam).
*We saw a genetic counselor. This appointment came just two days after the autopsy results. She alleviated the fears about our decisions and helped with a plan of action to find an answer. I posted awhile ago that we had a diagnosis for Gabriel, autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease. Turns out, that is not the case so we are back to "square one" in a sense. We will be updated on the results of the next test in 6-8 weeks.
*For those who are curious, we both have excellent therapists, and even have one who comes to the house for the kiddos. We are very well supported emotionally (and physically because our awesome church fed us for the last month!!) There are not enough thank you's in the world to express our gratitude but to those of you who have been here with us every step of the way, we are so very grateful. You know who you are <3
*And...I am finally ready to write about Gabriel's birth, just not today (sorry).
Today is reserved for a very special little girl.
Our rainbow baby is 5.
The joy she has brought into our lives is immeasurable. And I don't mean joy, as in our lives are perfect and we never have any problems (because girlfriend is currently throwing a fit on the couch haha!) But I do mean joy as in she is here. When you sign up to be a parent, you sign up for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the really ugly, the downright awful....
And the beautiful.
The sunshine.
The love.
The laughter.
She wakes up so many mornings, crawls into bed with me, and whispers, Mommy, the sun is shining. It's a beautiful day.
But not today. Today it was 5:30am. Today she crawled into bed and said, Mommy, it's my birfday. To which I lovingly replied, Happy birthday baby. Go back to sleep.
Keepin' it real over here.
6 years ago our lives were shattered when we came home empty handed. 5 years ago we experienced so much healing when we brought home our sweet Mira. 6 weeks ago our lives were broken once again by coming home without Gabriel.
And today we spend the day loving on our rainbow. This little girl with pink glasses and toenails. Wearing her favorite puppy dog shirt. This girl who chose waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for her birthday breakfast. Who sat across from me the entire morning as we played some of her favorite games, checkers and Bingo. This girl who is now sitting on the floor working on building a plush craft with 500+ pieces :-O
The sadness I feel for her brother does not eclipse this special day.
If anything, it makes it even more special.
We get to watch her grow. We get to measure her every year to see how tall she is. She was quite disappointed when she woke up and realized 5 years old does not mean 5 feet tall, but she got over it pretty quickly.
We get to watch her learn.
We get to watch her personality take shape. Even when that includes sass.
We get to watch her love for others grow.
We get to listen to her giggle. It's contagious.
We get to watch her creativity blossom.
We get all of this and so much more.
And I have a front row seat.
Happy Birthday, baby girl. Momma loves you.
We've had a good week and a half. I had my 6 week postpartum checkup last night, and my blood pressure is still high but other than that, I have healed well from surgery. I'll be following up with my primary about the blood pressure but my OB is hoping it's just the tail end of the postpartum period and will return to normal soon.
I had not seen my OB since Gabriel's diagnosis. She had a major heart attack just 3 weeks after we got our news, and this was the first time I had seen her since she returned. The first thing she did when she saw me was ask for a hug and apologized for missing my entire pregnancy. Gosh I'm so glad you're okay, I'd told her. I'm glad you are too, I'm so sorry about your son, she replied.
She sat and looked at several pictures I have on my phone. Oh my goodness that nose! She thanked me for sharing him with her. It's the first time I've shown his pictures on my phone in a few weeks and it felt good.
I've entered a stage of grief that I'm not unfamiliar with, but I don't like it. I'm in disbelief that Gabriel just died 46 days ago. What is this...denial? Life has returned to "normal." I finally have energy and feel good enough to be playing with the kids, keeping regular appointments, meal planning, cleaning...
Like nothing happened.
I don't feel guilty for this, just sad. It's sad to not be so sad. Grief is awesome. Ugh.
So just a quick couple updates that I'll add to later:
*We got Gabriel's autopsy. I hit a very serious emotional low after receiving this report, and it caused me to question all the decisions we had made for him (and also for Sam).
*We saw a genetic counselor. This appointment came just two days after the autopsy results. She alleviated the fears about our decisions and helped with a plan of action to find an answer. I posted awhile ago that we had a diagnosis for Gabriel, autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease. Turns out, that is not the case so we are back to "square one" in a sense. We will be updated on the results of the next test in 6-8 weeks.
*For those who are curious, we both have excellent therapists, and even have one who comes to the house for the kiddos. We are very well supported emotionally (and physically because our awesome church fed us for the last month!!) There are not enough thank you's in the world to express our gratitude but to those of you who have been here with us every step of the way, we are so very grateful. You know who you are <3
*And...I am finally ready to write about Gabriel's birth, just not today (sorry).
Today is reserved for a very special little girl.
Our rainbow baby is 5.
The joy she has brought into our lives is immeasurable. And I don't mean joy, as in our lives are perfect and we never have any problems (because girlfriend is currently throwing a fit on the couch haha!) But I do mean joy as in she is here. When you sign up to be a parent, you sign up for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the really ugly, the downright awful....
And the beautiful.
The sunshine.
The love.
The laughter.
She wakes up so many mornings, crawls into bed with me, and whispers, Mommy, the sun is shining. It's a beautiful day.
But not today. Today it was 5:30am. Today she crawled into bed and said, Mommy, it's my birfday. To which I lovingly replied, Happy birthday baby. Go back to sleep.
Keepin' it real over here.
6 years ago our lives were shattered when we came home empty handed. 5 years ago we experienced so much healing when we brought home our sweet Mira. 6 weeks ago our lives were broken once again by coming home without Gabriel.
And today we spend the day loving on our rainbow. This little girl with pink glasses and toenails. Wearing her favorite puppy dog shirt. This girl who chose waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for her birthday breakfast. Who sat across from me the entire morning as we played some of her favorite games, checkers and Bingo. This girl who is now sitting on the floor working on building a plush craft with 500+ pieces :-O
The sadness I feel for her brother does not eclipse this special day.
If anything, it makes it even more special.
We get to watch her grow. We get to measure her every year to see how tall she is. She was quite disappointed when she woke up and realized 5 years old does not mean 5 feet tall, but she got over it pretty quickly.
We get to watch her learn.
We get to watch her personality take shape. Even when that includes sass.
We get to watch her love for others grow.
We get to listen to her giggle. It's contagious.
We get to watch her creativity blossom.
We get all of this and so much more.
And I have a front row seat.
Happy Birthday, baby girl. Momma loves you.
Comments
Post a Comment