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Always an And

I've been describing our last week or so as "normal." No real updates on Gabriel, a regular school schedule with the kids...

But we aren't normal.

I've never had that in my motherhood journey.

This cycle of grief has taken me back to anger in the last couple days. I'll tell you what triggers the anger more than anything- getting sick. Jamey and I were both hit with a stomach virus yesterday, and all I could think was Why? Why right now? Why can't we put all this crap on hold until...after??

It's true, there is no real "good time" to be sick. But every time I had to jump off the couch and run to the bathroom yesterday, the first thought that ran through my head was, AND Gabriel's going to die soon you know. 

It's a weird thought to have. It doesn't make sense to even me. But all I feel in these moments is anger.

Anger that my house smells like vomit AND my baby is dying.

Anger that my kids need a million and one things at once AND my baby is dying.

Anger that my journey to motherhood started and is ending with death.

Anger that grief has changed the way I relate to others in ways I'll never be able to explain.

When our schedule is normal, when the kids are in school, when we aren't sick with stomach viruses...

I'm able to forget for a moment that Sam is gone and Gabriel is sick.

I'm able to focus on my gratitude instead of my grief.

I'm able to empathize better (not perfectly, but better).

I had a 3 hour glucose test last week. While I was there, someone from the palliative care team came to talk with me about our wishes for Gabriel's birth.

Our birth plan includes an autopsy.

Think about that.

28 weeks pregnant today. All I can think about is we've known for the last 10 weeks that Gabriel is sick. We knew for 16 weeks that Sam was sick. I've knowingly carried a dying baby for 6 full months of my life with the possibility of 12 more weeks to go.

I smile when people say, "You're so strong."

But I'm not.

And all I want to do is run. Run from the sadness. Run from the fear. The ache that I know is coming. 

The ache that I've lived for 6 years.

My heart feels like it could fall out. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye again.




Comments

  1. Shelly GoatleyMarch 27, 2018 at 3:25 PM

    Well said Kaila! It’s not fair! This blog is because of the death of babies! You ARE strong! I have thought about your path and it’s caused ME anxiety, sadness and anger, so I can’t imagine! One thing I know is that you will give it up to God and he will get you through! I’ve had a child near death and remember people saying you guys are so strong! It wasn’t our strength because we didn’t have a choice and when we prayed over our son there was a peace that came over us! It was sort of out of body feeling! You have my prayers is the days and weeks to come! Sweet baby Gabriel😢

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