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Bitterness

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
~Ephesians 4:31-32

I've been holding onto a lot of anger for a very long time. My thoughts and feelings toward a select few have become so bitter, that I have to bite my tongue each time I speak to them.

I don't like these feelings I have. All they do is upset me, and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm constantly prompted in church to think of people I need to forgive...and the truth is I haven't done it. I think all the time about how I would go about this, and I've even tried to forgive those who have hurt me so badly. But every single time I try, I don't feel that weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't immediately feel good.

I know forgiveness sometimes has to happen more than once. Sometimes you have to forgive over and over. I honestly wish it was a 'one and done' but the constant need for me to forgive provides me with even more opportunities to withhold it. I just want to let it go.

I have got to remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning though, and I think that's where I struggle. I want those who have hurt me to know just what they did, and I want them to feel bad about it...awful huh? But that's how I feel if I'm going to be honest, and by identifying that I can better work on it.

I have people in my life who hurt my feelings on a pretty regular basis, and I'm sure I hurt theirs. In each of our quests to be 'right' we both walk away not feeling good about things. I get anxious just thinking about spending time with them, feeling like I'm constantly needing to defend myself, my thoughts, feelings, actions, my family. And now having Mira I feel even more protective about things that are said and done.

However, I don't want my baby to grow up seeing her mother filled with such bitterness. I don't want her to hear the gossip, and see the looks. I want her to know that her mother truly loves and cares about other people, and does not have a problem with forgiving...even IF the person may seem undeserving. I want her to know that we were all undeserving of forgiveness when Jesus died for us. And yet He did. If I withhold my forgiveness then I am not living the life He intended. 

So I really don't know why this is such a struggle for me, and this is something that I know is important for me to do. If you could please pray for this internal struggle to end, I would greatly appreciate it. I need it for my sanity, for my daughter, my husband, and for my God who forgave me and wants me to extend His grace to everyone else. Thank you :)

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