Skip to main content

Bitterness

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
~Ephesians 4:31-32

I've been holding onto a lot of anger for a very long time. My thoughts and feelings toward a select few have become so bitter, that I have to bite my tongue each time I speak to them.

I don't like these feelings I have. All they do is upset me, and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm constantly prompted in church to think of people I need to forgive...and the truth is I haven't done it. I think all the time about how I would go about this, and I've even tried to forgive those who have hurt me so badly. But every single time I try, I don't feel that weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't immediately feel good.

I know forgiveness sometimes has to happen more than once. Sometimes you have to forgive over and over. I honestly wish it was a 'one and done' but the constant need for me to forgive provides me with even more opportunities to withhold it. I just want to let it go.

I have got to remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning though, and I think that's where I struggle. I want those who have hurt me to know just what they did, and I want them to feel bad about it...awful huh? But that's how I feel if I'm going to be honest, and by identifying that I can better work on it.

I have people in my life who hurt my feelings on a pretty regular basis, and I'm sure I hurt theirs. In each of our quests to be 'right' we both walk away not feeling good about things. I get anxious just thinking about spending time with them, feeling like I'm constantly needing to defend myself, my thoughts, feelings, actions, my family. And now having Mira I feel even more protective about things that are said and done.

However, I don't want my baby to grow up seeing her mother filled with such bitterness. I don't want her to hear the gossip, and see the looks. I want her to know that her mother truly loves and cares about other people, and does not have a problem with forgiving...even IF the person may seem undeserving. I want her to know that we were all undeserving of forgiveness when Jesus died for us. And yet He did. If I withhold my forgiveness then I am not living the life He intended. 

So I really don't know why this is such a struggle for me, and this is something that I know is important for me to do. If you could please pray for this internal struggle to end, I would greatly appreciate it. I need it for my sanity, for my daughter, my husband, and for my God who forgave me and wants me to extend His grace to everyone else. Thank you :)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unfixable

I have to share some things that are going to make some people uncomfortable. I'm okay with that, but I know it's not going to be easy to read because you might want to try to fix me. You can't. You can't "fix" these feelings. You can't pray them away. You can't tell me to "just trust God" and go on with your day. Well, I guess you  can. But I can't. I am not in a good place. I am not okay. I don't even want to be okay at this point. I tell Jamey almost every night that I want to go back to the hospital. I want to lay in that bed. I want to kiss and cuddle my son. I want to stroke his cheeks. I don't care if they're cold. I don't care if he'll never open his eyes again. I just want to go back there and rock him in my arms. I took pictures of the bruises on my arms and hands from being in the hospital. There are so few memories of my son, that I didn't even want to forget that part. My blood pressure w...
18 comments
Read more

Memories

I have videos of the entirety of Sam's life...so even if I forget them, I'll be able to see everything from those moments. The moments after he was born, however, are only images in my head. After Sam died and everyone had the chance to hold him, it was time to get some rest. Jamey's family went home, my sisters slept on the chair and couch in my room, and my parents went out to the car to sleep. The hotel attached to the hospital told my family they'd be charged full price for a room if they checked in at 5am but would need to check out at noon, so they opted not to get one. Jamey crawled into bed with me, Sam snuggled between us. He had been in heaven for over an hour, but to us it just seemed natural. We wanted to share one nap with our boy, before he was physically taken from us. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, of course. Hospital beds aren't made for 2 grown people. But we made it work. Phone calls were made, and we were told that the director of the Cr...
12 comments
Read more

Rain Clouds

I really don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid I might. I'll be perfectly fine for days, maybe even weeks, and then it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Something huge is missing from my life. I feel homesick even though I'm home. Jamey and I packed a bag tonight for when we go up to the hospital. We read through the lists of suggestions from other moms, mostly of what to bring for baby. Only because we don't know what we'll need for her. We bought two outfits for Sam, bathed him once, and he only wore one diaper. I know the hospital has most of the stuff we'll need, but I like to bring a little extra. As much fun as it is to pack a coming home outfit, it's equally sad for us. I asked Jamey if any of this made him sad and he said, "yes, it does." I don't want the happy moments in my life to be overshadowed by this sadness that we have for Sam. Although I don't ever want to forget him in any way, ...
18 comments
Read more