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Shower Day

I had been waiting for today for almost 2 years. Jamey and I started trying to get pregnant May 2011, and found out we were pregnant with Sam in September of that year. And I just couldn't wait for the shower and all the fun cute things that went with it.

But we ended up not being able to have a shower. We hadn't even bought anything by the time we found out that Sam would not be with us for very long, and the last thing I wanted was a room full of baby things with no baby to use them.

We had a 'Life Celebration' party for Sam I think almost exactly this time last year. It was so much fun...it was almost hard to believe it was for a baby who wasn't going to live. Instead of strollers and diapers, we asked for inspirational items and received the most beautiful angel figurines, baby blankets, and books to read to Sam while he was still growing.

I couldn't help but think about that day last year during our shower today. It was so beautiful, and my in-laws did a fantastic job. It was all about "building baby's library", and the tables were full of confetti, pop-up story books, and candy. We had the neatest cupcake "cake" that looked like storybooks piled on top of each other, and each food item was based on a book theme.

I absolutely loved it.

Opening the gifts, however, was difficult. Being that the last time we did this I was opening up angel baby gifts, just caused a lump in my throat that I had a hard time swallowing. I had a big smile on my face the entire time....because I am just so thrilled, I really am. But I couldn't help but want to crawl up into a ball and cry on the floor. Out of sadness for Sam, and happiness of all the love I felt from everyone in that room....just because it is amazing at how incredibly blessed we are.

I couldn't believe how exhausted I was after the party, I mean, it was only 2 hours long! And I sat opening gifts for most of it! But the emotional roller coaster I was on for most of the day took its toll, and I am feeling it now. I just feel wrapped in so much love, and I know I will be sleeping soundly tonight.

I can't wait to go into our girl's room and start unpacking things. I can't wait until we get to use them. I just can't wait for her to get here :)

I found my journal entry from this time last year, written to Sam:

Dear Baby Sam,
One more work day until I get a 3-day weekend devoted to you! I am so excited for your party on Saturday. You have been moving around so much in the last day, it has been incredible! I wish you could be out here with us to celebrate the day, but at least you'll be with me. At least you'll enjoy the sweets :) I am getting more and more anxious to meet you. Time is going by quickly, but I feel like it will be forever before you get here and we are all settled into the new house.
I got a quilt to embroider for you. I'm really afraid I won't have time to finish it before you're born. Why didn't I think of something like this sooner? I feel like I've finally come out of a haze where I know how I feel about things and what I want to get done, and how I want to spend the time with you when you're born. I don't know why it took me so long. Or maybe it didn't. I love you so much baby, please stay with us as long as you can.
Love,
Mommy

We had 40 days left with him. It felt like so long at the time...and now it feels like I blinked.

So, to sum up today: It was wonderful. Happy. Sad. Full of love. We are blessed.

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